Channeling "Hot Lips" Hoolihan

In 1981 Blake Edwards made a movie called SOB, a scathing farce about the film industry starring his wife, Julie Andrews. The movie had a great ensemble cast, including Loretta Swit (MASH’s Margaret “Hot Lips” Hoolihan) as a Hedda Hopper-type Hollywood columnist. Swit clearly had a great time playing the character, and channels every single ounce of the bitchiness that she used so effectively playing Hot Lips. The best scene is when Swit’s character is lying in the hospital, trying to get transported to the sound stage where Julie Andrews is shooting a topless scene. Swit screeches into the phone, “Irving, if you don’t get me on that set, I will CRUCIFY you in 160 newspapers in EVERY city in this country, every SINGLE day for the rest of your USELESS life!” It’s a great line, and Swit delivers it at full bore, with a level of hysterical rage that leaves her out of breath. It’s a scene that, inexplicably, has been playing over and over again in my mind the past few days.

Last night was Matty’s long-awaited, and perhaps temporary return to Seattle. I met him and Adam at the Columbia Tower Club for drinks and hors d’oerves before Spanish class. Adam had his first flying lesson this weekend, and he told us about flying around the Puget Sound and his plans to get licensed. Licensing is a lengthy process, and hopefully involves Adam getting an internal defibrillator, because his flight physical pegged his cholesterol level in the 270s! The kid wants me to go flying with him, but I will need to see a cholesterol test under 200, and a note from the doctor that he’s not going to have a heart attack while we’re putt-putting over Seattle in a Cessna. Anyway, we watched the sunset from the 75th floor, and saw I-5 turn into a winding river of headlights heading north, and taillights heading south. The Tower Club has the décor and service of a second-rate airport bar, but the view more than makes it a worthwhile place to have a drink.

After class we settled in at R Place, first at the bottom of the stairs, and then on the couches on the second floor. Initailly it was just Matty, Paul and I. But Adam showed up after a bit, and Woodsy, Mark, Rick, Brian Trouble, Mike, Ben, and eventually Jimmy joined us. When we first arrived, Matty pointed out a young man sitting alone at the end of the bar. Turned out his name was Matt, and he was none other than the trick that stole $40 from Woodsy a couple of months back. I was hoping for a little confrontation (I take my blog material where I can get it), but it wasn’t to be. When Woodsy arrived, he rather philosophically ignored little Matt, and when Paul and I offered to assist in the take-down, he said he was past it. Matt continued to drink obliviously at the end of the bar, chatting up some guy who would no doubt find his wallet lightened in the morning.

After a bit, Adam and I went upstairs to hear some karaoke and check out the crowd. It was smoky and not very busy, but we spotted a little eye candy and listened to one or two good performers. Usually Adam acts like he’s a eunuch when he goes out, but last night he was a bit on the prowl. It was good to see, but unfortunately, he was just drinking water, and without a little liquid courage few of us will go talk to a cute stranger. I prodded him all I could, but in the end we just talked then grabbed a beer for me and a drink for Matty and headed down to the second floor.

Downstairs, Jimmy had arrived from gymnastics and was cuddling on the couch with Woodsy. He was wearing a pair of 70s style Puma shorts, cut high with three white stripes down each side. He looked, well, like he’d just come from gymnastics. The group was well into the 5th or 6th round, and seemed to be settling in for a quiet night. It seemed like a going time to go, so I said my goodbyes and went home to Carlos.

For a day that started with shrieking attacks and counterattacks on JPK’s blog (he’s taken down all the comments or I would link so you could read them), it ended peacefully and even pleasantly with all my friends. Here’s hoping Matty doesn’t move to LA too soon.