Sheetrock Goes Shopping

Editor's Note: Today's guest blogger is Sheetrock Adam. Be gentle boys, he claims it's his first time.

Oh ha ha, that's cute. I know you all want to have sex with me. And is that picture supposed to make me look gay or something? Because I'm not, I'm straight. I like girls, ok. I just hang out at the Crescent with you guys 'cause it's fun, and there are girls there sometimes.

So Paul got drunk and DITCHED us on Saturday at the Crescent. And it was only like 5:30 pm so Andrew and me went to the Eagle. But Andrew's a pussy and he ditched me to go home to his boyfriend. Carlos, who hates me. I didn't stay at the Eagle, 'cause there's no girls there.

So I just walked around for awhile drunk calling people. I don't have any friends left because I drunk called them and yelled at them for not answering. I don't know who I called. But they hate me now. So I walked up the hill and went past Babeland. There are girls there, but they all look like boys. But they're girls. And I was drunk so I went in.

So I looked at the cock rings and the vibrators and sh!t. But the girls, they weren't talkin' to me. I think they were pissed 'cause I was butcher than them. And they had butt plugs and anal probe things. And 'cause I was drunk I said out loud, "Why'd a gay guy put this in their ass?"

And then one of the girls came over. "Straight guys use these too," she said. "It massages your prostate, feels great." Well I know about my prostate but I dunno. But she was cute, looked like a guy but she was a girl. She said, "If you're interested, I'd recommend this one." And she hands me this thing but it didn't look too bad. And girls always get me to buy stuff. "It's scientifically designed to go right to your prostate, but it's not too big so it's easy to insert. Just use plenty of lube, and slide it in gently. You or your partner can wiggle it a little and you'll really enjoy it."

Well I was gettin' hard watchin' this guy-lookin' girl wiggling this thing like it was in my ass, so I said "That sounds pretty hot. You talked me into it." 'Cause that's what you do when you're drunk, buy a $75 sex toy. So I bought it from this other girl who was running the cash register, but she was fat and looked mean. Like MEAN. Her head was shaved and she had a ring in her noselike a bull. She kinda scared me so I just took my bag with the probe thingy and got outta there. Only that one guy-lookin' girl talked to me anyway.

So I'm on the sidewalk and lookin' at this probe half outta the bag, and someone says, "Adam!" And I turned around and stuffed the probe thingy in the bag but she saw it. It was this girl I know that is my best friend's sister and used to date my roommate. I hooked up with her once I think. And she's like, "What's going on, whaddya got?" And she grabs it and pulls it out, 'cause I was drunk and I was distracted tryin' to remember her name. And she starts laughing and goes, "Alright, have fun big fella" and walks off. So I hope you guys are happy now everybody thinks I'm gay!