You Too Can Make Your Relationship Work!

Boyfriends are great and all I guess, but they do have their drawbacks. They snore, or refuse to pick up their socks, or get fat. Some, like Paul, drink themselves mute and then dry-hump your nice lesbian friend's mother at a dinner party. Ok, well not very many do THAT, but you get the idea. They do annoying, embarassing things that sometimes make you wonder why you didn't just stay single and get half a dozen cats. Facing a catbox is so much easier than dealing with the drunken pleas for a 3-way with Ben.

Nonetheless you've got the boyfriend, and you really can't handle getting/fighting another restraining order. What do you do to get through the day? Here are a few tips I've gleaned from my highly successful relationship, and those of the people around me:

• Drink as much as possible. If you're drunk all the time, it's hard to figure out what he's yelling at you about, and you probably won't care anyway. Plus passing out is a good way to wrap up an argument.
• Don't mention that he's getting fat (this is for Joey's new boyfriend). If you need to know why this is a bad idea, ask the guy who stitched up F. Michael's face.
• Got an ex you're still close to? Got a tentative new relationship? Nothing works better than all of you just movin' in together. Go on, sign that 2 year lease with the nasty early termination clause, what could possibly go wrong?
• Neither you nor your boyfriend can keep it in your pants? What you should do is buy a house together! There's nothing like a crushing West Seattle mortgage and the prospect of a court fight to turn the two of you into Ward and Tien Cleaver. Don't be too hard on the Beav!
• Your horse-hung boyfriend has fallen for someone else? Just fall for your boyfriend's boyfriend's horse-hung boyfriend. Sound complicated? Wait until you all go to Mom's for Passover!
• Are you a frigid 15 year old girl trapped in a 27 year old gay man's body? There's bound to be a married man on the Eastside that fears sex as much as you hate it; hop on Manhunt and find him! Don't get attached though; he'll stop calling when his internalized homophobia drops below 98% and he decides he wants to get laid.
• Does your boyfriend have a weird fascination with deaf midgets, guys in wheelchairs, younger guys, older guys, and Taffi? In other words, everyone but you? Just buy a burned out shell of a house in a bad neighborhood and try to make it livable. You'll feel better (meaning worse, of course) in no time!

I hope it's encouraging to hear that there are solutions for the most intractable of relationship problems, and a way to correct the most annoying of bad boyfriend behaviors. Happy dating!