Paul Announces His Candidacy

Editor's Note: For those of you who missed it, this is the text of Paul's speech announcing his candidacy for Congress. It's gonna be one heckuva campaign!

My Fellow Americans:

Yesterday we were treated to the revelation that Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) plead guilty in June to soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's room. This comes on top of last month's bathroom arrest of Florida State Rep. Bob Allen (R), Young Republican National Federation Chair Glenn Murphy's arrest last month for non-consensual oral sex on a male, and of course the Mark Foley Congressional page scandal last fall, Jim West the recalled Republican mayor of Spokane, disgraced minister Ted Haggard, etc. etc. etc. These men lied and mislead their constituents and followers, and it must stop. Therefore, I am announcing my candidacy for the Congress of these United States with a simple platform: my fellow Americans, I am a Republican who is openly, unambiguously a hypocritical gay manwhore.

Revelations of bathroom sex? Not with me. The only revelation is what I haven't done in a bathroom, and that's only because you can't fit both a horse and quadriplegic in a handicapped stall. Congressional pages? Are you kidding? Try to imagine me with a swarm of 18 year old boys in tight khakis who are willing to do anything to get ahead. It'll be like Caligula on Angel Dust. And the leaders of the Republican party will be able to tell my constituents, truthfully, "Jesus, what the hell did you think he would do?"

If you vote for me, I promise there will be no more lying to a faithful spouse. Curtis sure isn't the picture of fidelity, but guarantee I will tell him exactly what I do, when I do it, and who was involved (if I catch their names). I may even let him join in, unless the guy is really hot or the room is just too packed with men for him to find a place to squeeze in. But I promise you that my doings, like everything else in my relationship and my life, will be WIIIIIIIDE open. And Curtis will be there right beside me, or under me, or swinging somewhere from the rafters.

And you won't get any hidden hypocrisy from me. I'm perfectly happy to praise the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy while I shove both hands down the pants of the President's Marine honor guard. Sheesh, have you seen those guys? Damn right I won't tell, because words simply can't describe everything I'd do to them. I pledge that my deeds will clearly and unequivocally contradict every moral position I take. Not only that, but I will make every attempt to openly perform the acts I oppose even as I denounce them. There will be no sweeping under the rug, my constituents will be able to rely on my up-front, in your face, complete hypocrisy every moment of every waking day. I'm proud to open this brave new frontier in Republican politics!

As for gay issues, you can count on me to champion good, old-fashioned Republican repression of all things gay while simultaneously using my position and influence to avoid the pain I inflict on others. My first act will be to fight to deny any sort of benefits for gay couples, even as I put Curtis and a whole troop of undocumented Czech houseboys on my government health insurance. Gay Republicans have a strong track record of evading the harm they cause others, and you can count on me to uphold that proud tradition. So if you believe these revelations have hurt our party, and you want to see an end to furtive bathroom trysts and exposed hypocrisy, vote for me with confidence that this sort of thing will never be news again!