New Sinkhole Appears in Florida

Florida's newest sinkhole appeared in Jacksonville this week, causing havoc throughout the city. It appears to have been triggered by a system that originated in the Pacific Northwest and proceeded east to the panhandle. "This one is bad," state trooper Amanda Hugnkiss said. "It's filled with a particularly viscous fluid; once you're in it's difficult to get out."

Authorities have cordoned off the hole, roughly the size of 3 football fields, while a team of specialists assess the situation. "I'm afraid we're at a loss," said civil engineer Dylan Weed. "Three of my men have been swallowed trying to fill it. It's hard to imagine that anything less than an oversized industrial pile-driver will stabilize it."

The hole appeared just outside a local gay bar, and it has hit the gay community especially hard. "It's taken 22 of my friends in 3 days," said Ben Dover, who was having a cosmo when the sinkhole struck. "But the worst was the Stoli delivery truck, it swallowed that whole. All you could hear was glass breaking and the driver begging for help. It was horrible."

While posing a considerable danger to all citizens of Jacksonville, the toll has been especially high among men. "We figure it's taken a total of 43 guys just in a few days," bar owner Dick Gozinia said. "Sometimes two or three at a time. A few have survived, but they're broken men. It's hit the community like nothing I've ever seen." Within hours of the sinkhole's arrival, the bar lost a longtime regular and colorful character, a man who called himself Bear. "Yeah, right after the Stoli went in poor Bear walked by it," Gozinia said. "He was a big, hairy guy, maybe 400 pounds. But it swallowed him like he was nothing."

Public health authorities are deeply concerned as well. "I guarantee that thing is packed full of pathogens," said state health commissioner Faye Tality. "We're trying to get close enough to figure out what to test for. But it keeps dissolving our latex Hazmat suits. Four of my men already have unexplained rashes and have gotten something sprayed in their eyes. Apparently, it burns."

"It's a civic calamity," said Mayor Holden McGroyn. "That thing is going to hang over our heads until it's filled."