Absolutely the Best Week Ever

Things have been quiet on the gossip front for the past week, and I’ve been too depressed to make up anything good. But to satisfy popular demand (or at least Paul’s demand) here’s some tidbits from the week:

Thursday, October 28th: Allegedly, Paul did something heinous. Or at least attempted it. We’re not clear on the details (mainly because everyone is too horrified to talk about it) but I am fairly sure no laws were broken, and no farm animals or boys under 18 were involved. Meanwhile, I carved pumpkins with Jeff the Gaysian twink, his boyfriend Jeff the white guy, and Carlos. Carlos was the prize for the best jack-o-lantern, which I won handily. Meanwhile, news from this day crosses over to tomorrow because on…..

Friday, October 29: Paul arrived home at 6:30 Friday morning with no idea how he got there. No, that’s not the heinous thing he did, although Curtis was annoyed that Paul stayed out all night. Whatever it was, it was more heinous than that. And then, Paul refused to call in sick to work but didn’t wake up until 11:30 am. Oops. That evening, Carlos and I had beers with Johnny at the Eagle (sounds like we’re playing Gay Clue) while Curtis did something heinous to rival Paul’s heinousness, and somehow equaled or exceeded or at least ex post facto-ly (that’s not a word you idiot, I just made it up) justified Paul’s heinousness. No, I don’t know what, if anything, either of them did but boy it must have been good.

Saturday, October 30: Carlos and I bought groceries, rounded up sailor outfits (for the next night), dressed up as a soldier (Carlos) and a construction worker (me) and went to gay night at Chop Suey with Danielle and Johnny’s ex, Mark. (Note to self: start shooting Marks, they’re getting confusing). The gays that populate Chop Suey, like their str8 bretheren, are skinny, poorly dressed, uniformly nonconformist snobbish indie rockers. But get 2 really strong drinks in them (they all weigh 90 pounds) and they suddenly have a thing for a beefy guy with a beard in Carhartts. I got lots of attention and had fun. Dani was Girlie Show Madonna (vinyl, fishnet, gloves, mask) and got the most attention of all. Paul and Curtis went to bed early to avoid further heinousness.

Sunday, October 31: Carlos and I dressed in matching sailor uniforms and went to T-line, Neighbors, and the Eagle. I drank so much I danced on the boxes at Neighbors in my sailor uniform. My friend Rob got cut off at T-line, but not before he hit on a guy that is fatter than I am but was dressed as a pro wrestler (in other words, in a Speedo). The guy was kindof hot though….. Apparently Aaron Brown was at T-line too, and would have loved the guy in the Speedo, but I didn’t see him so couldn’t make the intro. Neither Paul nor Curtis, to the best of my knowledge, did anything heinous this day.

Monday, November 1: I went to Changes incredibly hung over. Seth was working, and he was even more hung over than I. Seth has started drinking Chivas and water, and apparently a lot of it. Halloween night he wanted a Hot Pocket from Safeway on the way home. Hot Pockets were on sale, so he bought them all. The entire freezer case. He explained how to make the best breaded porkchops in the world, and we drank until we felt better, and then went home drunk to our respective and appreciative boyfriends.

Tuesday, November 2: On this day, God’s chosen Anti-Christ was reselected to lead the nation to Armageddon (site of the final battle in Revelation, it’s just south of Fallujah). I celebrated my imminent internment in a “Religious Freedom Camp for Homosexuals” by skipping Spanish class and drinking myself stupid alone at R Place. Paul went to class and then back to work, but Curtis was kind enough to join me in my sorrow, and we toasted the fact that thanks to the camps, we would soon be very, very thin. The only heinousness was in Red states.

Wednesday, November 3: Everyone in Seattle wore black and wailed about the election. After work and a quick nap, I met Paul, Mark, Curtis, and Woodsy for drinks at CC’s. Mark got the bartender to show us his chest, stuffed dollar bills in his pants, and maxed out everyone’s tab (Paul took the biggest hit, Woodsy the most painful one). Curtis flirted with but refused to talk to a cute cowboy, and I got suitably trashed before going home to make roast chicken for a dutifully grateful Carlos. The evening (besides Mark's behaviour) was surprisingly heinousless.

Thursday, November 4: Absolutely nothing happened today as far as I’ve heard. But maybe Paul and/or Curtis did something heinous. Again. I’m waiting to hear.

And there it is, the events of the past week in a nutshell. Happy now, Paul? To everyone else, have a good weekend!