A Fate Worse Than Seth

Editor’s Note: Following Tuesday’s entry, I have gone into hiding in fear for my life. Seth has demanded a chance to guest blog so that he can set the record “straight” before he tears me and all of my belongings to shreds. Here’s his side of the story. 

Honey, I have got to sit down and have a cigarette. It’s good Andrew isn’t around, because I am just too hung over to gut him properly today. 

Seriously, give me just a second to light this and I’ll tell you about it. And honey, get me a BV and Coke, stat. Just a splash of Coke, momma needs be able to taste her Black Velvet. 

Ok, so I am pissed I swear nothing he wrote about happened. Jesus. I have told him and told him not to talk about me in the goddamn blog. Asshole. If he shows his face at work I’m going to 86 him first and ask questions later. 

Girl, top me off I’m a little low. And let me tell you, stay away from Taffi. God, I hate that cunt. You know what that piece of crap did to me yesterday? I was making meatballs and blueberry pie for Christmas Eve dinner at work. 

Weird? Fuck you. It’s gonna be great. I went to the store a little baked, ok? Jesus, you act like I spit on your mother. Which I should have, for giving birth to you. God that's good, I need to be writing that shit down. 

Yeah, I’m feelin’ the BV. Girl top me off, I’m half-empty. And keep that goddamn bottle of Coke away from me! Anyway, yesterday afternoon I’m cooking up a storm and Taffi just showed up on my doorstep. She shambled right up to my door with a case of Bud Light like the goddamn Day of the Dead mascot that she is. You know, I don’t think she really works. I swear she just collects a salary for staying away from work. Jesus, I’d pay her to stay away from me. Ha! 

Girl, this glass ain’t gonna fill itself. Just give me the bottle. Christ, if you want anything done right you have to do it yourself. That’s the problem with you people, you think being a bartender is easy but it’s work keeping full glasses in front of you bitches. And it’s REAL hard to keep a glass full in front of me, that's the truth! 

Where’s my lighter? There we go…..mmmmmm, that’s good. Yay, I am just starting to feel like myself again. And let me tell you, Andrew is at the top of my list but Taffi is right behind him. I am going to perform a public service and cremate her ass the first chance I get. What did she do? I’m getting to it, Jesus you’d think a person could have a drink and try to recover before getting the 3rd degree. 

Well she dropped in, so I let her roll some meatballs and mix up some berries and feel like she was good for something other than fertilizer. Ha! Give me a splash, I can almost see the bottom of my glass. Anyway, I was enjoying a little tiny Pendleton and Coke, just for fun. Well, apparently every time I turned around Taffi was topping off my glass. I am not kidding, and I didn’t notice until most of a bottle was gone! No, she wasn’t topping off my glass like this---oops, didn’t mean to spill---she was really topping it off. And it wasn’t a fifth either; I was drinkin’ the big girl size. 

Well thanks to that cunt, I drank whole goddamn bottle. Thanks a lot Taffi! Bitch. That gallon of Pendleton was supposed to get me through the weekend. I think she went home when I called Aaron and dumped his know-it-all ass. Goddamn bitches, I hate both of them except I love Aaron. Well most of the time, but sometimes I just want to strangle him! God knows, that’s the only way to get rid of him because he pays no attention whatsoever when I dump him. Except he’s so cute and he folds my laundry, you should see how he sorts it into pile by color. It’s so cute, he’s a good kid. I’m feelin’ great now, tho. 

What are we doin’ here, let’s go someplace and get a drink. Just let me finish off the last few drops of BV and we’re outta here. And Andrew, when I catch up with you you’re gonna need Taffi’s embalmer. God, I cannot wait!