Paul Announces His Candidacy

Editor's Note: For those of you who missed it, this is the text of Paul's speech announcing his candidacy for Congress. It's gonna be one heckuva campaign!

My Fellow Americans:

Yesterday we were treated to the revelation that Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) plead guilty in June to soliciting sex from an undercover police officer in an airport men's room. This comes on top of last month's bathroom arrest of Florida State Rep. Bob Allen (R), Young Republican National Federation Chair Glenn Murphy's arrest last month for non-consensual oral sex on a male, and of course the Mark Foley Congressional page scandal last fall, Jim West the recalled Republican mayor of Spokane, disgraced minister Ted Haggard, etc. etc. etc. These men lied and mislead their constituents and followers, and it must stop. Therefore, I am announcing my candidacy for the Congress of these United States with a simple platform: my fellow Americans, I am a Republican who is openly, unambiguously a hypocritical gay manwhore.

Revelations of bathroom sex? Not with me. The only revelation is what I haven't done in a bathroom, and that's only because you can't fit both a horse and quadriplegic in a handicapped stall. Congressional pages? Are you kidding? Try to imagine me with a swarm of 18 year old boys in tight khakis who are willing to do anything to get ahead. It'll be like Caligula on Angel Dust. And the leaders of the Republican party will be able to tell my constituents, truthfully, "Jesus, what the hell did you think he would do?"

If you vote for me, I promise there will be no more lying to a faithful spouse. Curtis sure isn't the picture of fidelity, but guarantee I will tell him exactly what I do, when I do it, and who was involved (if I catch their names). I may even let him join in, unless the guy is really hot or the room is just too packed with men for him to find a place to squeeze in. But I promise you that my doings, like everything else in my relationship and my life, will be WIIIIIIIDE open. And Curtis will be there right beside me, or under me, or swinging somewhere from the rafters.

And you won't get any hidden hypocrisy from me. I'm perfectly happy to praise the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy while I shove both hands down the pants of the President's Marine honor guard. Sheesh, have you seen those guys? Damn right I won't tell, because words simply can't describe everything I'd do to them. I pledge that my deeds will clearly and unequivocally contradict every moral position I take. Not only that, but I will make every attempt to openly perform the acts I oppose even as I denounce them. There will be no sweeping under the rug, my constituents will be able to rely on my up-front, in your face, complete hypocrisy every moment of every waking day. I'm proud to open this brave new frontier in Republican politics!

As for gay issues, you can count on me to champion good, old-fashioned Republican repression of all things gay while simultaneously using my position and influence to avoid the pain I inflict on others. My first act will be to fight to deny any sort of benefits for gay couples, even as I put Curtis and a whole troop of undocumented Czech houseboys on my government health insurance. Gay Republicans have a strong track record of evading the harm they cause others, and you can count on me to uphold that proud tradition. So if you believe these revelations have hurt our party, and you want to see an end to furtive bathroom trysts and exposed hypocrisy, vote for me with confidence that this sort of thing will never be news again!

Mother is....Displeased

Editor's Note: Today's guest blogger is Madge. Let's all be nice to her; she spent most of last week in the outer boroughs of New York City, trapped under one heavy thing after another.

I'm sorry, but this has got to stop. Andrew, this is your blog not mine and I am not happy that you are writing about me all the time. Ok, so the sinkhole thing was pretty funny and I laughed and all, but come on. Did you really need to write about me getting dragged to every str8 bar in Jacksonville? Really, come on. You've got Paul and Curtis, write about them for a change. Write about YOURSELF, aren't you doing anything stupid and embarassing in Austin? Well, tell people about it.

And I'm sorry, but leave my mother alone. She's the head honcho at the credit union; mess with her and she'll check your credit. Then you'll be wish you'd never written about me. Hi mom, I had a great time in New York and I love Jacksonville, don't worry about me!

So in case you didn't know, I went to New York last week. It was James's birthday and all, so I planned a little Madge trip to the city to celebrate. And I'm sorry, but I needed to get away. Jacksonville is a pit; you have to drive 20 minutes to get to anything. And it's hot and muggy and the men aren't that cute. But I have hooked up a few times, don't tell my mother. And no, I'm not going to tell you about it. I know all you bitches are out there just waiting to hear how Madge got trapped under something heavy. Well I'm sorry, but I'm not telling you anything.

But I will tell you about New York! Well I'm not going to tell everything, but Madge had a goooood time. I'm sorry, but when I'm on vaca I go out and I get laid. I did end up in Queens that one time, but that was by mistake. I don't do bridge-and-tunnel unless I make sure I have a BIG reason. Ha! Well my last night there I found one. I was out with James, and at the stroke of 3 am I met Mr. Right Now, and he was PACKING. And let me tell you, Kris's little girl almost fell over when she felt that. And I'm sorry, but I was not going to let my 6 am flight get between me and that. No way.

So we went back to his place. And boy did we have a good time, I haven't had that much fun since my trip up and down the Empire State Building. Ha! But Madge had had a little too much to drink, and Madge was feeling a little spent. And Madge fell asleep. Oops! Yeah, so I crashed and woke up at 4:30 am. You should have seen me, I squeezed into that shirt and jeans and was outta there in record time. I raced into James's place, got all packed (I mean my luggage) and flew down to the car waiting for me downstairs. Barely made it, but I didn't miss my flight. And I'm sorry, but it was so worth it!

Kisses to everyone in Seattle, I can't wait to come see you guys!