Comments

There's been a dearth of comments lately. By "dearth," I mean "none." And by "comments" I mean "comments posted on the blog." It's fine to get drunk, then stumble over and tell me what you think, but it's unlikely I'll remember seeing you, let alone whatever pithy observation you may have had. It's better all around if you just click the little comment link and type something up right away. And just hit that "send" button, proofreading and second thoughts are for wimps.

The one verbal comment I got recently was from Joey. It was on the "You Too Can Make Your Relationship Work!" entry, and this was his deeply insightful thought:

It was mean, and not that funny. You hit pretty much everyone, but if you're going to be mean you need to be funny, and it wasn't funny.

And here I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly and have a good sense of humor, but I guess Joey's not like that.

"So I'm at Marc and Walter's...."

Saturday I had brunch with Paul and Curtis, and then we went to CC's for afternoon cocktails. Somehow the subject of Marc and Walter came up, and Paul gave me the quote of the century. It doesn't make any sense, and it's probably not true, but it just kills me. Dying to know what he said?

So there I am at Marc and Walter's, f'ing [redacted] and I'm like, "This is why I hate you guys..."

Now I'm sure this didn't happen, or at least happen this way. And Paul instantly denied that he said this, even though we had all just heard him. But the image just makes me laugh: Paul, as he's thrusting away, turning to say "This is why I hate you guys...." It's freakin' hilarious.

New Sinkhole Appears in Florida

Florida's newest sinkhole appeared in Jacksonville this week, causing havoc throughout the city. It appears to have been triggered by a system that originated in the Pacific Northwest and proceeded east to the panhandle. "This one is bad," state trooper Amanda Hugnkiss said. "It's filled with a particularly viscous fluid; once you're in it's difficult to get out."

Authorities have cordoned off the hole, roughly the size of 3 football fields, while a team of specialists assess the situation. "I'm afraid we're at a loss," said civil engineer Dylan Weed. "Three of my men have been swallowed trying to fill it. It's hard to imagine that anything less than an oversized industrial pile-driver will stabilize it."

The hole appeared just outside a local gay bar, and it has hit the gay community especially hard. "It's taken 22 of my friends in 3 days," said Ben Dover, who was having a cosmo when the sinkhole struck. "But the worst was the Stoli delivery truck, it swallowed that whole. All you could hear was glass breaking and the driver begging for help. It was horrible."

While posing a considerable danger to all citizens of Jacksonville, the toll has been especially high among men. "We figure it's taken a total of 43 guys just in a few days," bar owner Dick Gozinia said. "Sometimes two or three at a time. A few have survived, but they're broken men. It's hit the community like nothing I've ever seen." Within hours of the sinkhole's arrival, the bar lost a longtime regular and colorful character, a man who called himself Bear. "Yeah, right after the Stoli went in poor Bear walked by it," Gozinia said. "He was a big, hairy guy, maybe 400 pounds. But it swallowed him like he was nothing."

Public health authorities are deeply concerned as well. "I guarantee that thing is packed full of pathogens," said state health commissioner Faye Tality. "We're trying to get close enough to figure out what to test for. But it keeps dissolving our latex Hazmat suits. Four of my men already have unexplained rashes and have gotten something sprayed in their eyes. Apparently, it burns."

"It's a civic calamity," said Mayor Holden McGroyn. "That thing is going to hang over our heads until it's filled."

Pride Eve Trivia

Last night was trivia, and we dominated the evening like few before us. We came in first place twice, and took second place in four rounds. People left because they were angry we did so well. As usual, I was the brilliant but unsung leader of the group. Sonja answered sports questions, truly a first. Before the Paul's Palsy set in, Paul gave a couple of answers that were (I hope you're sitting down) right. Right, as in not wrong. The night was so good that Curtis ended up unhappy because he wasn't miserable. It was just that good.

We also had a cameo from Little Adam and his lovely lady lumps. He stopped by to let everyone know that he's "not a 15 year old girl." Well it's clear he's over 15 just from looking at him, but note how he didn't deny the allegation that he's frigid. Happily, that means the self-loathing closet cases of the greater Northwest still have Adam to turn to when they are afraid to go past first base.

Mini popped in halfway through the evening sporting a fresh "my face seats 5" haircut and a case of condoms for Pride. Which indicates a high probability that a good time will be had by ALL. Taffi was conspicuous for her absence; apparently she's spent the last week in a hyperbaric chamber trying to look 2900 again. Girl, you have at least 2 groups who find you fascinating: forensic pathologists and Egyptologists. Work what you got, you're good as long as none of it breaks off. Well, maybe not good, but you know what I mean. I mean, I suppose it could be worse. Somehow.... Ok, I give up.

And although I'm working today, I'm gearing up for Pride. I just need a memory card for my camera phone, and a way to get Sheetrock drunk (ok, that's not hard) and back to the Eagle for more pics in the sling. Happy Pride everyone!

Two Pieces for the Price of One

I've been working downtown this week in my old stomping grounds downtown. In fact, in the same building where I worked for 3 years, and I've spent the last few days working one floor below my old cube. They say you can't go home again, but you sure can go back to the office.

Tuesday, I went with a co-worker to Salumi for lunch. It's only 8 blocks or so, but she had on heels, so we grabbed a bus going south on 3rd that stops across the street from the restaurant. We climbed onto the bus and sat down, and within about 3 nanoseconds I noticed the hot guy sitting across from me. Early 20s, good shape, with baggy clothes and some bling that showed he was hip-hopish/thug wannabe material. I say wannabe because he was skinny and asian, probably Thai or Vietnamese. And then I realized that there was another cute guy sitting on the other end of the seat. Early 20s, in good shape, with baggy clothes and some bling, Thai or Vietnamese..... I looked at one, and then the other, and then back, and it slowly dawned on me--they were TWINS! Yessir, honest to god identical asian twin brothers in baggy pants, dropped in my lap as a little appetizer before my Italian salami lunch . Well I was so distracted I couldn't hold a conversation, and we missed the bus stop because I was too busy drooling to pay attention to where we were. Sadly, we had to get off (so to speak) and go eat, but boy did it perk up my day.

Otherwise it's been a boring week. With trivia tonight and Pride this weekend, I should have plenty to write about. Once I sober up.

Paul's New Love Interest?

Editor's Note: I'm not sure what comes after deaf midgets on Paul's list of what's hot, but it may well be this.

A piglet in Croatia born with six legs and two penises has been nicknamed Octopig by his owner.

The farmer, Ivica Seic from the village of Vrpolje, said Octopig also has two anuses.

He said that the pig was growing so fast that they had decided to keep him as a pet, daily newspaper Vecernji List reported.

Sheetrock Goes Shopping

Editor's Note: Today's guest blogger is Sheetrock Adam. Be gentle boys, he claims it's his first time.

Oh ha ha, that's cute. I know you all want to have sex with me. And is that picture supposed to make me look gay or something? Because I'm not, I'm straight. I like girls, ok. I just hang out at the Crescent with you guys 'cause it's fun, and there are girls there sometimes.

So Paul got drunk and DITCHED us on Saturday at the Crescent. And it was only like 5:30 pm so Andrew and me went to the Eagle. But Andrew's a pussy and he ditched me to go home to his boyfriend. Carlos, who hates me. I didn't stay at the Eagle, 'cause there's no girls there.

So I just walked around for awhile drunk calling people. I don't have any friends left because I drunk called them and yelled at them for not answering. I don't know who I called. But they hate me now. So I walked up the hill and went past Babeland. There are girls there, but they all look like boys. But they're girls. And I was drunk so I went in.

So I looked at the cock rings and the vibrators and sh!t. But the girls, they weren't talkin' to me. I think they were pissed 'cause I was butcher than them. And they had butt plugs and anal probe things. And 'cause I was drunk I said out loud, "Why'd a gay guy put this in their ass?"

And then one of the girls came over. "Straight guys use these too," she said. "It massages your prostate, feels great." Well I know about my prostate but I dunno. But she was cute, looked like a guy but she was a girl. She said, "If you're interested, I'd recommend this one." And she hands me this thing but it didn't look too bad. And girls always get me to buy stuff. "It's scientifically designed to go right to your prostate, but it's not too big so it's easy to insert. Just use plenty of lube, and slide it in gently. You or your partner can wiggle it a little and you'll really enjoy it."

Well I was gettin' hard watchin' this guy-lookin' girl wiggling this thing like it was in my ass, so I said "That sounds pretty hot. You talked me into it." 'Cause that's what you do when you're drunk, buy a $75 sex toy. So I bought it from this other girl who was running the cash register, but she was fat and looked mean. Like MEAN. Her head was shaved and she had a ring in her noselike a bull. She kinda scared me so I just took my bag with the probe thingy and got outta there. Only that one guy-lookin' girl talked to me anyway.

So I'm on the sidewalk and lookin' at this probe half outta the bag, and someone says, "Adam!" And I turned around and stuffed the probe thingy in the bag but she saw it. It was this girl I know that is my best friend's sister and used to date my roommate. I hooked up with her once I think. And she's like, "What's going on, whaddya got?" And she grabs it and pulls it out, 'cause I was drunk and I was distracted tryin' to remember her name. And she starts laughing and goes, "Alright, have fun big fella" and walks off. So I hope you guys are happy now everybody thinks I'm gay!

You Too Can Make Your Relationship Work!

Boyfriends are great and all I guess, but they do have their drawbacks. They snore, or refuse to pick up their socks, or get fat. Some, like Paul, drink themselves mute and then dry-hump your nice lesbian friend's mother at a dinner party. Ok, well not very many do THAT, but you get the idea. They do annoying, embarassing things that sometimes make you wonder why you didn't just stay single and get half a dozen cats. Facing a catbox is so much easier than dealing with the drunken pleas for a 3-way with Ben.

Nonetheless you've got the boyfriend, and you really can't handle getting/fighting another restraining order. What do you do to get through the day? Here are a few tips I've gleaned from my highly successful relationship, and those of the people around me:

• Drink as much as possible. If you're drunk all the time, it's hard to figure out what he's yelling at you about, and you probably won't care anyway. Plus passing out is a good way to wrap up an argument.
• Don't mention that he's getting fat (this is for Joey's new boyfriend). If you need to know why this is a bad idea, ask the guy who stitched up F. Michael's face.
• Got an ex you're still close to? Got a tentative new relationship? Nothing works better than all of you just movin' in together. Go on, sign that 2 year lease with the nasty early termination clause, what could possibly go wrong?
• Neither you nor your boyfriend can keep it in your pants? What you should do is buy a house together! There's nothing like a crushing West Seattle mortgage and the prospect of a court fight to turn the two of you into Ward and Tien Cleaver. Don't be too hard on the Beav!
• Your horse-hung boyfriend has fallen for someone else? Just fall for your boyfriend's boyfriend's horse-hung boyfriend. Sound complicated? Wait until you all go to Mom's for Passover!
• Are you a frigid 15 year old girl trapped in a 27 year old gay man's body? There's bound to be a married man on the Eastside that fears sex as much as you hate it; hop on Manhunt and find him! Don't get attached though; he'll stop calling when his internalized homophobia drops below 98% and he decides he wants to get laid.
• Does your boyfriend have a weird fascination with deaf midgets, guys in wheelchairs, younger guys, older guys, and Taffi? In other words, everyone but you? Just buy a burned out shell of a house in a bad neighborhood and try to make it livable. You'll feel better (meaning worse, of course) in no time!

I hope it's encouraging to hear that there are solutions for the most intractable of relationship problems, and a way to correct the most annoying of bad boyfriend behaviors. Happy dating!

Too Much Time in New York

You might be from Manhattan if....

1. You can use the word 'f#ck' as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, preposition, and gerund. All in the same sentence.

2. You assume all designer handbags, scarves, sunglasses, wallets, and belts you see are cheap knock-offs bought on Canal Street.

3. You have jaywalked across all 3 lanes of 7th Avenue during rush hour while a group of 5 cops watched from the corner. You didn't give it a second thought, and certainly didn't get a ticket.

4. You've used the sentence from item #1 when speaking to the cab driver who took you to 13th Street and Avenue A instead of 13th and 8th.

5. You've sworn on your dead mother's grave to a Russian cab driver that Pamida won't throw up in his back seat.

6. You make $500K and can finally afford to rent a one bedroom apt that's not a 5th floor walkup. You’ll still have a roommate, though.

7. You know that you need $200 in cash for a slice of pizza, 2 beers, and a 10 minute cab ride home. And you aren't utterly apalled.

8. You've gone to NYC's 'only Asian gay bar' on Hispanic night to tip the 19 year old black go-go boy. This does not confuse you.

9. 'Coffee' is a light brown beverage brewed at 600 degree Fahrenheit with some Folger's grounds they've been recycling since 1968.

10. You've had a potential trick introduce himself by saying, 'I live in [insert locale reached by a bridge or tunnel], not sure if you want to go all the way out there.'

11. On Saturday night you know to hold your breath when in the East Village, unless you want to be awake for the next 3 days.

12. You've seen a woman in a full burkha, a drag queen, and a daddy in leather all get off the subway at the same station. You wouldn't be surprised if they're headed for the same place.

13. When looking at bar names, you know that Posh is not, the Monster is, and Hanger should be shortened to Hung. Urge is perfectly named, but sadly the Cock has been neutered. Only tourists go to Splash.

14. You've heard something you should submit to overheardinnewyork.com, but never did.

15. Some f#cking f#ck submitted something you said to overheardinnewyork.com, but the a$$h0le misquoted you.

16. You've been to a 'sample sale' that involved buying designer clothes for cash out of the back of a moving truck. This seemed perfectly legitimate to you.

17. You know instinctively, based on the type of alcohol consumed that night, whether to get a slice, a hero, or Papaya dog on the way home.

18. 'Salad' consists of equal parts mayonnaise and egg, chicken, or tuna. It's health food if the deli mixes in some dill pickle relish.

19. There's a thing in your kitchen that gets hot when you fiddle with its knobs. You'd use it to heat up food, but you tip the delivery guys well enough your food always arrives piping hot.

20. You have gotten into a heated argument with a priest over where to go for the best kosher barbecue.